My stay at Morningstar
My stay at Morningstar was short in length, but long
in intensity. I weaved in and out of the fabric of everyone's lives
there. Everyone was always moving from tree to teepee, from city
to country. The woven society in flux, the cast always on the move.
Free birds. I was always on the fringes, never stopping, never knowing.
Every person was there for a reason -- some to teach,
some to eat, some for the girls, freedom of speech, a movement, anarchy,
some to preach to the lost souls, and don't forget the dope. Everyone
was there.
You were always amazed. The young man coming
by with his cougar made us cautious, brave, and terrified.
Santa and all his packs of cigarettes. The
young lady on horseback. The Sunday drivers out on a weekend cruise.
Morningstar was full of human souls looking for
the meaning of life. Some asked, "Why in the hell am I working?"
"What is the point of all this if we're going to blow ourselves to bits?"
"Why do people hate me 'cause I'm Jewish?" "Why? Why? Why?".
Lou provided us with the space to try to find answers
for ourselves. He was a tolerant man with musical talent.
This was not the society that was going to change
the world. This was the society that was in itself changing.
We were optimistic, knowing that the world was going
to be a better place to live. Well, it is probably a better place.
We could go on forever on this subject, but would be all just conjecture.
The stories that I am going to tell all happened
in the short space and time that I was either at Tolstoy or Morningstar.
They will be not be in any form or design. I have told these stories
a thousand times. As Allison and Laurel say, "Do we really have to?"
I do not have regrets or think back and wish that
I was back there again. My life has been good. But these tales
need to be shared.com.
If you have a tale to tell, get online and speak
up.
Thanks to Lou
Timeline for Tomas
at Morningstar Ranch
I remember the first day I saw Morningstar Ranch in the Fall of sixty seven. We piled out of two vans, Nancy's van and Ramon's. Heaven only knows how many people came out of those two vans -- Ramon, Joanie, and Tomas in one van, and Nancy, her husband Wally, and the two kids in the other van. Maybe more, I don't know. There may have been more, but I do not remember. We had just arrived from Tolstoy.
The first day at Morningstar after we dropped off the groceries we brought
from our trip from Tolstoy. Fruit n Nuts Nancy asked some of us if we wanted
to go to San Francisco to score some dope. I said OK and so did Kathy,
(this is what she looked like the day we met): http://www.laurelrose.com/KATHY.HTM
So the three of us headed down to San Francisco. The first place we
stopped we scored some MDA and the second stop was at the home of the Grateful
Dead.
At that time I was totally unaware of whom the band was. Here is the
same story again that I wrote a few years back with out mentioning the
Grateful Dead.
I also had assumed that Nancy and Wally were married which was not
true. Here two photos of Wally, one in the fall of 1967 and the other in
1997.
Wally in 1967: http://www.laurelrose.com/WORKPARTY.HTM
Wally in 1997: http://www.laurelrose.com/WALLY.HTM
As soon as I got out, I was introduced to Kathy.
As was normal any time someone came to Morningstar, they would be greeted
with, "Do you have any cigarettes?" Most people would give up whatever
they had, ending up as poor as the day they were born. That is why
the population of Morningstar was always growing. Kathy had a Hawaiian
tan and a smile like Janis Joplin. You can see that smile in The Morningstar
Scrapbook. She was outspoken from the start, language that could only come
from New York. She had uncontrollable sun bleached brown hair on
her head and legs. "Jesus, Tomas, you're fucking crazy," she said
to me and smiled with her New York accent. Twinkling eyes and teeth,
a free soul, she spread comfort and radiated life. I loved her from
the start.
As soon as the vans were unloaded (we had a gold
mine of commodities from our trip), Nancy said, "I've got to score some
dope. Who wants to come along?" Kathy and I both said, "Far
out," and "Yeah." Kathy smiled. We both climbed into Nancy's
van. The kids stayed behind. When we got to the city (San Francisco),
we drove around for a while. I really did not care, I had just met
Kathy and I was having a great time. Stopping at a curb, we piled
out.
We climbed some outside stairs to an apartment door.
Nancy knocked on the door. The door opened and a man looked at Nancy,
and then at me. He said Nancy could come in, but that I would have
to stay outside. I have seen that face before, and his face was paranoia,
so I stayed outside. When Nancy came back out, she said that she
did not score what she was after. The guy gave her some MDA instead,
also some Valium. In the van she said the guy said, "Take the Valium
first, then the MDA." She said she had another stop to make.
We stopped at this old two-story house on a hill, and we piled out.
She said that this was a local band's pad. We entered the old historic
house, and the first thing I noticed was the dining room which had a big
round oak dining room table. Antiques were scattered here and there.
On the center of the table was a large doily with a huge cut glass bowl
full of laundry powder. Nancy said something about blue cheer.
I remembered using it in the Navy to wash my dungarees. Kathy and
I hung around for a while, and Nancy did her shopping.
Before we left, we thanked everyone and said we
were grateful. We headed back to Morningstar. We piled out
again and Nancy passed out the goodies along with instructions.
Ramon and Pam both speak of the love generated by
the MDA. I'll just say that Kathy and I were bubbling over with our
new friendship and the vibes just got out of hand. (good vibes)
Thanks to Lou
***
My first few days at the ranch:
The first few days at Morningstar Ranch, Kathy was
my guide and friend. She let me stay with her on the platform
below the barn by the creek. While I was there, I decided to clean
up at the small crystal clear creek one morning. I took my toothbrush,
razor, and soap down to the creek. I squatted, straddling the creek
while washing my face and body. I brushed my teeth and shaved.
I didn't know it at the time that I, Tomas, was
an invader. I was apparently invading a small territory. The
defense was already in place, waiting, floating, moving like a snake.
Unknown to me at the time the invasion force was attacking the predator
that was near, using water as its vehicle. I was covering my body
with its defensive oil. This is how poison oak came in contact with
my body, groin, face, and teeth.
Morningstar had a very nice public bath and shower.
I did not know any history or anyone. Ramon
had gone North and brought me back, and the new shower was in place.
A new face. In one week I was covered head to foot with scales, the
creature from the Black Lagoon had arrived. I took 10 minute showers,
trying to wash away the rash. I guess you all wondered where all
the hot water went. (To this day I cannottake hot showers, only warm
ones. I begin itching whenever the water gets above 100 degrees.)
I think this is where I met Doris. She was
another sister of mercy.
+
There is a quiet verbal abuse that I endure; perhaps we all endure,
people are angry because they are not treated right. I walked amongst them
I do not understand, they lash out but I endure, perhaps we all endure.
The world has not treated me kindly, you have treated me right, other
voices lash out, and the world has treated them like hell. I think I live
in heaven, they think they live in hell.
This happened so long ago, lashes of steel words and shards of broken
English were pointed at me, perhaps us.
I have learned to walk tall and see the words as cries for help, perhaps
you have to, I do not try to help anyone anymore I only see there words
as voices crying, perhaps speaking softly. I stop to listen; perhaps I'll
understand, perhaps not.
I live in a world of our images of god; I assume it's the garden, perhaps
the garden to play in.
Laurel is calling, I have to go.
Thanks to Lou
***
What did Tomas look like in late 1967?
Picture a farmer with his rubber boots shoveling
crap out of a barn. Remove the farmer and leave the rubber boots with the
dung standing in place. Place Tomas in the rubber red balls. Place some
orange corduroy pants on Tomas, they are a little to small and short, there
is a gap between the bottom of the trousers and the red ball rubber boots.
A leather belt with a harness buckle made by lovely Sylvia. Put on
blue check long sleeve cotton shirt, the shirt you would see on a lumber
jack. Find your self a army wool blanket gray in color, wear it like Ming
of Flash Gordon days of gone by. Place the cape on Tomas, beg one of the
girls at Morningstar for a patch to place on your wool cape. The patch
is only one of many patches being sewed together to make Lou a quilt.
Tomas has black/brown hair, he stands in his
outfit, his mustache too long and gross, smiling with a silver tooth bright
next to empty space. He is agile, passive and aggressive, hard working
and stoned. Dip him in some dirty slurry and rinse as best you can.
Now we have a gentle creature, he is very happy
to meet you, very happy to know that you are alive. He is very happy to
receive the crumbs on his plate. He worships the ground he walks on.
He is only one, there are many more like him,
they are all different and unique.
***
Varity is the spice of life.
Down by the road the wine flowed.
Some men wore garments of leather with bright
shining knives.
Their reality was intense; their ladies were
“old ladies”
Down by the road the wine flowed.
If I remember correctly life on a commune was
very, very intense.
But we wanted to live in peace so we did have
those meetings to clear the air.
The meeting of the minds did work.
The scholars were always welcome and blended
in nicely.
Some men of the cloth did drop their garments.
People that entered the commune did see an immediate
change.
Blown minds were a common sight
Wow! Far Out was always uttered..
Money
When I first arrived at Tolstoy I had money, not much but some, I soon
gave this up for staple goods that were needed at the commune.
Working people
Huw Williams was working with his father when needed on the wheat farm
on top. Tex at Tolstoy was working in town and spending his nights
and weekends at Tolstoy. Ken was always in the garden, Stash would milk
every morning and evening, no matter what. Sylvia would do leather and
tack. A lot of people would stop by and spend a few days and leave. Some
people would drop off cash or staples as they came by.
Joanie was a teacher, I do not remember her going to work every day.
I do not remember her ever going to work. At Tolstoy she worked in the
kitchen and garden.
Andie and Tom worked at their cabin, most people that had cabins would
work around their cabins. Ken and I stayed at the main house. Our chores
would be centered around it.
+
At Morningstar I had no money, since I stopped working in the apple
orchards, the amount of money I had was minimal.
I think Ramon worked with his music in town, as far as money goes I
do not know. Lou was financially secure. I know that a lot of people went
into town to score. Score would mean whatever your imagination needs. People
would stop by and drop off staples and goodies. I do not remember ever
going any place and working at Morningstar. As a matter of fact I never
remember anyone at Morningstar working steady except Ramon and Lou.
People would stop by and drop stuff off as a matter of charity.
People had vehicles to drive and maintain, where this money came from
was unknown to me.
I was living in poverty.
What were we giving up?
I gave up all that I had. Some people had a stash.
I gave up all that I had.
Did I keep the clothes in my sea bag? Yes. Then what did I give up?
What possessions did I give up? Did I keep a stash under my pillow?
A few nickels and dimes. What did I give up?
Some folks had fortunes, I only gave up some petty cash.
Where does life have more value?
Where is the boundary, the threshold, that we stepped across?
I stepped across, but when? By my arrival at Morningstar,
I was totally sharing what little I had.
I had a stash of stores that I gave up for the life of the commune.
I did walk without cloth or shame.
Once you cross the line, there is no turning back. So what is going
on?
How can we live with so much wealth?
We don't. We are dressed by tradition.
+
I still walk without clothe or shame,
time has clothed me in garments of the working class.
My body has labored until the pain never goes away, an ache in my brain,
reminders that we have abused the earth and body.
I like everyone else, want the world to learn from my/our
mistakes.
***
Diggers
I never knew what they were until 1998. I was
looking for Kathy and that is how I learned of the Diggers. I was living
in poverty at Tolstoy and Morningstar. I think that I would have stayed
had it not been for the arrests. Arrests are not where it's at, even though
I enjoyed the space I was in (jail). I still prefer the giant tree of Morningstar.
To bad for the disputes with the law. It should have been nice living in
the Garden.
***
Kyle was about six foot tall, with reddish brown
hair and an Indian band in his hair. No shirt, a waist cloth, proud,
and proud looking. Looking like an Indian brave, a picture of health.
+
Kathy meets Kyle and I meet Doris:
Kathy was palling around with Kyle. During
this time everyone was getting dressed up in their best outfits because
something was going on. Kathy was not about to be dressed up.
She thought this was just vain bullshit. Anyway, someone (I thought
Kyle did) got her to fix herself up, got her bare ass naked (she was always
shy about showing her body), and put a patch skirt on her. She had
flowers put in her hair, blushed her cheeks, and a flower lei around her
neck. She looked like a Hawaiian beauty swimming out to the Good
Ship Bounty. God, she was lovely. Kyle knew it and so
did I.
+
1998
Joanie's Winter Solstice was the big event mentioned above, this I
learned while reading Pam's Morningstar Chronicles, Ramon's Home Free Home
and the Morningstar Scrapbook.
Thanks to Lou
***
Reporters and observers were the People
who looked at us and watched. They came around every day. I thought that
Peter Coyote was one of them but now I know he was just one of the Diggers
that lived in the city and came by frequently.
I walked about thinking that I could live like
Jesus. Seeing the man for who he was. I learned that if I wanted to live
like Jesus, I was going to have to die. I choose not to die. I did learn
that each of us is blessed with life. I did not speak for such a long time,
but I started to see articles about life back then. These articles were
written by reporters and observers. Each of us holds the key to the universe,
our intelligence keeps us alive. The wonder is that I see each of us as
alive and being. I have lived with this knowledge, most of the hippies
have also lived with this knowledge. We have all taken different paths,
but our paths are true. Words have been spoken of the different levels
of awareness, all true, all taking us to Peace.
There are warriors that protect us, their
awareness is keen, they surround us to keep the Peace. Such a Paradox.
The White Dove flies and also feeds a hungry
child. That is life as we live it.
***
Someone recently asked me what do I do
for pleasure. I have not thought about it in over a year. Or that is all
I thought about this year. I simple enjoy what is given to me, good or
bad. I really do not enjoy pain, but I bear it and realize that is part
of this existence. As I have said before, I really enjoy being alive, I
see quite clearly at present. This may change as life deals us blows that
are below the waist, life is not always a fair fight.
***
The Yin and Yang of it all. I grew up playing
hard tackle football, sweat and hard knocks.
My Grandmother loved Gandhi and world peace.
I climbed and fell, going to extremes, playing hard.
+
Peaceful Being
Standing in the meadow, watching the movement
of tall grasses in the breeze. Our sea of light brown, leans over an touches
it's toes. Her black hair and poncho blow toward the far sea. Her mind
is on the far horizon, a peaceful being. She has long legs, black stockings
and a mini skirt, living a hard life and loving it. I can handle that.
+
Sweet music from a beautiful voice takes me on
the mental high light of love and friend ship. Take hold and charge to
the front, I'll go along for a ride. I play and work hard, loving the world
at my feet. We have gone for a ride, twisting and turning into to places
that we had not thought of going. We have lived, we have loved and fought
for peace.
+
The barn was decorated with personal belongings.
But strangely there were no people in it except for Doris in the right
back corner and the Morningstar Angel that bunked above her. A tan paisley
cloth hung around the bunk offering privacy to Doris below. The Morningstar
Angel was a celibate being, a violin player, quiet and observant, and living
life to it's fullest. When I first looked into the barn it looked lived
in. I realize now that whoever had been there was not there during my stay,
they had moved on, they had been awakened at night and told to go. I never
knew this; I thought the barn was someone's home so I stayed out.
I latter learned that the barn had a wooden clothes
bin in it where you could exchange clothing if you liked.
I did not live in the barn, I would visit Doris
in the barn and that was it.
I never seemed to belong to any structure.
I know that during the day of Blue Cheer that the Morningstar Angel was walking around with Vivian. Vivian turned me onto the spider web while standing next to the Morningstar Angel. Vivian never said a word to me she just turned her head in a swinging glance and there was the web.
+
At this time I was hanging out with Doris, who was
staying in the far back right corner of the barn. She stayed in a bunk
bed built into the wall. Doris slept in the lower bed. Her
light brown flowery kingdom. (If you are the young woman, the sister
of mercy, who slept above Doris in that corner. let me know, because
I have met a woman here in Kentucky that I thought was you. Laurel
says it is not her.)
I remember four of us who used to sunbathe near
the barn, Doris and me and another couple. On weekends, the weekend
warriors used to set up lawn chairs on the road above the teepee, drink
their beer, gawk at the girls, and ask us if we had a good time.
At times we would wallow in the mud there while Larry played his guitar.
During the time that I was living around the barn,
some young lady (I think maybe it was Pam) came running down to me and
said that a young man was threatening everyone up at the upper house. I
was sleeping in the barn when someone came down to tell me that a young
man was terrorizing the folks up by the upper house with a rifle.
Sure 'nuf, there he was, a healthy looking, blond haired drunk who
was waving a 22 gauge rifle around. Having no sense (which was normal
for me -- I understood the Fool on the Hill), I walked over to him. Something
about him was familiar, but I had never seen him before that day.
I asked him how his brother was, who I mentioned by name. He looked
at me in shock, totally stunned! I'll bet he was wondering what kind
of mystical drug that we had been taking. This young man was becoming
a believer. My luck was good that day. His brother was a beer
drinking rugby acquaintance of mine from Alhambra, California. We
talked and chatted the day away, and he said he would say hello to his
brother, Jack Summers.
Thanks to Lou
***
I never earned any money for drugs. I never did
buy any drugs. Drugs were always available but I never wanted any. They
just came.
If someone gave me a drug then I used it.
The same logic can be said for food and sex.
Today I am hung up on food and sex but not drugs.
I could take drugs or leave them be. Using drugs was not my quest.
I wanted peace and I found it.
I got lucky because I had some great heads pounding
this skull with good thoughts.
Sylvia Williams to start then Huw Williams, Andee,
Joanie, Ramon, Nancy, Kathy, Doris, Kyle, Robby and Lou.
Sometimes I think that I should apologize for
my head being in a great place. But then again I have no choice. I am here.
Which is pretty far out.
That was given to me by the Diggers.
In Berkley with Doris I am standing naked in
a second story window looking out.
An early morning purple haze in Berkley greets
me. Acid and grass did a great job there.
I am there, still there.
***
I guess I thought I was a Prophet:
I remember a young man coming to Morningstar in
a wheelchair van. He was removed from the van by friends or family.
He asked me if it was all right to get out of his chair. I cannot
remember what happened to make him come out of his wheelchair. It
might have been something I said. He was so excited that he just
came out of it. He followed me around for two days, dragging himself
and groping along in the dirt, dust flying in the loose dirt, the dirt
sticking to damp skin as he was working hard just to be. I did not
mind him floppy about as he followed my trail, we were a lesson in letting
people just be themselves, but it was positively freaking everyone out.
During this time Doris was moving away from me into the teepee. She
was being the wench that she was trying to be. Of course I could not understand
this and this young man asked/wanted to sleep with me at night, just because
he loved me for me letting him be the human being that he was. I told him
that it was out of the question. He left Morningstar the next day,
a little bitter.
Things do not always turn out right.
***
We traveled to Wheelers in a group, some business was taking place
there. I have no clue what was being said. Lou I think was speaking to
Bill.
What I remember is the size of the barn/cabin. I wondered to myself,
"How in the world is he putting those logs up there?" I marveled at
this man's ingenuity.
The next thing I remember is sitting on the floor under this huge cabin/barn
and marveling at it's size.
I felt that we were imposing our selves upon the mans kingdom.
***
Understanding what Doris was doing.
She was taking what she wanted from men, just as men had taken advantage
of women for as long as we remember. She said to me what she was doing.
She told what she was going to do. She was going to turn the tables. I
went along, going with the flow. The cycles of emotions were extreme. She
took what she wanted and enjoyed taking it. I went with whatever she wanted,
I enjoyed the pleasure and put up with the pain. The time had come for
her to reject me. She did, she warned me that it would come. I'm laid back
and in pain
(Little Boy Martyr thinks he's a saint.)
The end at Wheelers, a day at Wheelers.
The bitter fight with Doris, the rejection from Doris, the beautiful
view at Wheelers, the overlook, the place she wanted to build a cabin,
without me. The water facet, talking to the people in the workers dorm,
starting the yogurt, the sleeping bag, the end. Back to Morningstar, the
trip to New York. I do not think these are pleasant memories for either
one of us.
Things do not always turn out right.
*
Remembering a person only as a dream. Thinking that this dream
fantasy is who they are. But in reality they are someone else. I am sorry
that your dream is only a dream. But this is who I am.
Picking a flower that I/you was/were not supposed
to have? Sometimes things happen and the flower is gone. You ask for help
and dumb knowledge abounds. The ground is left bare for a moment in time.
Sometimes we do things we should not have done.
***
Thanks to Lou
***
Jail
Stainless steel toilet and bunk beds.
Kyle is sitting up high in a lotus position in the top bunk, he is quiet
in meditation. I'm reading the bible to myself, absorbing each word, devouring
each word. Candy Man, a biker, says that when he gets outta here he is
going to travel across the U.S. in his greyhound bus and turn people on
to some heavy shit. Someone says, the scuttlebutt, that the girls are fasting
across the courtyard/building. Are the walls a cream color? Are the walls
a pale green? Are the walls a light blue? We roll cigarettes, smoke and
wait. Kyle and I are so cool and laid back, we are not having any problems,
mentally we are so great. Everyone marvels at the attitude we bring in
to the jail. Do we hear the girls singing? Yes, no, maybe. Yes, we do have
a different attitude and it carries throughout the jail. It's like cream
cheese, lox and bagels. A defined aroma, a pleasant taste, it carries good
vibes and good attitude. (Laurel turned me on to Lox and Bagels in Chicago
in 1968. Lox and bagels had nothing to do with the jail time. It is just
that our attitudes were that good.)
I knew about fasting, the great mental/physical
dangers of fasting are not good.
There is someone in the link page/section that
paid a dear price for fasting, he does not speak of it, it does no good
to fast.
+
I remember being in jail with Kyle, John Butler
and maybe Don King. I know that Kyle and I were in the same cell.
The girls were across the courtyard on a hunger
strike.
The time we spent in jail were spent in meditation,
reading the bible ( which sounds like Don being around) and peace. Very
powerful and very luxurious. The place was different because of our cool
and profound being. We had brought the Morningstar Vibes into the jail
and it made a great difference in the jail overall.
Food, clothing, warmth and meditation, “far out”
is the correct word.
***
. What the judge said
to me:
Jan, 1968
We were swept up like particles of dust off your
kitchen floor. The land was swept clean and dusted.
We were not supposed to be at Morningstar.
I was picked up and carted off to jail. I spent my time in jail with
other men and women from Morningstar. The history is in black and
white. I did not like being in jail, but I was there. I was
going to stand my ground for my fellow man.
Things changed and fell apart when it was time to
see the judge. I stood firm in my resolve, and I waited out my time
in jail. From the beginning during my arrest I gave my name as Tomas
and nothing more. I did not have any I.D. with me at the time as
it was in a sea bag back at Tolstoy. When the time came for me to see the
judge, they led me into the courtroom and asked my name. I was nervous
and shaking inside, and my mouth was trying to stutter. I told them
that my name was Tomas and that I was a human being, and that was the truth.
I had been turned on. I was a proud young man, and I was speaking
the truth. Time moved very slowly for me at this moment. I
felt that I had given the judge good reason to let me go.
The judge looked me straight in the eyes and said
that he was proud that I was a human being named Tomas, but that the wheels
of justice were turning, and that he was the Judge.
He said, "You do not want to get caught up in the
gears of justice." Time was moving very slowly like a very heavy
trip weighted with water. He said, "I will let you stew on this for
a while, but if you come back to me and do not give me your full name,
I will send you to an insane asylum." He let me go back to the inner
part of the holding room in the courthouse.
I thought about the insane asylum. I could
see myself painting raspberry pictures and talking to really crazy people.
Mentally I was beaten, I was beat. When I went back in, I told the
judge my name. The proceedings preceded. Later that day the
judge took us all home to his house for dinner.
***
Things done to turn on that are dumb, dumb, dumb:
1. Tolstoy: A young
man and I dried bell peppers, then chopped and rolled them in cigarette
paper, and smoked them. All we got was a very unpleasant warm mouth
and throat. We dried the banana peels, orange rinds, etc. No luck!
2. Morningstar Annex: Robbie
and I picked four cups of morning glories,( the morning glories were running
wild under the apple trees) two cups per man. We each ate both cups,
with some effort. It was not a pleasant experience. It was
more like eating feathers. There was quite a lot a people around
asking what we were doing. When they were told, they just rolled
their eyes in amazement.
+
Someone recently asked me what do I do for pleasure. I
have not thought about it in over a year. Or that is all I thought about
this year. I simple enjoy what is given to me, good or bad. I really do
not enjoy pain, but I bear it and realize that is part of this existence.
As I have said before, I really enjoy being alive, I see quite clearly
at present. This may change as life deals us blows that are below the waist,
life is not always a fair fight.
+
Tacky, tacky, tacky:
Morningstar annex: While reading
Ramon's Home Free Home, I was reminded of Mystery and his very large tool.
This girl and I were visiting
Mystery and his girl at one of the Annex's small cabins where Mystery was
staying. As we were smoking a little dope, I asked Mystery's old
lady how she handled such a large tool. She politely told me that
it stretched to fit with no problem.
Tacky, tacky, tacky!!!!
The rustic barn at the annex. In one section of the barn was
a barracks with folding cots for about forty or fifty people. I spent one
night there, I felt like I was being sent to a place where I could have
a place to sleep for the night. A barracks is not a commune, I did not
need a place to stay, I needed a commune, a family of sharing and understanding.
The other section of the barn was where the implements and tractors were
stored. It looked like a rustic barn that you would imagine seeing
in a farm magazine, red large and rustic. There was two or four cottages
near by. Mystery was in one cottage with his girl friend, my friend and
I had dinner and smoke with Mystery and his friend. There was also a building
that was a kitchen, stainless steel sinks, utensils and very large. Up
in the loft of the barn was were someone had found a cue ball size piece
of hash, as hard as hickory. If you looked south you would see the apple
orchards. If you looked real close you would see two young men with long
flowing hair, army blankets over their bodies, looking like Disciples of
Christ. Their bending over under the apple trees, standing in vines of
white, pink veined morning Glories. Someone had told Tomas and Robbie that
Morning Glories seeds would give them a high like acid. So they are out
there with four coffee cups, two cups for each young man, seperating each
flower/trumpets from the seeds the seeds go into the cups. It is taking
a very long time to pick four cups of Morning Glories seeds. Later on that
day you can see these young men in flowing robes stuffing Morning Glories
seeds into their mouths. Have you ever tried to stuff down feathers in
your mouth? You can imagine what these two young men are going though to
get high. Do they get high, no, they wait and queasy stomachs prolong the
day. Nada, nothing.
***
A discussion with Robbie: Robbie
was tall and handsome, long chocolate brown hair and beard, the face the
likeness of Jesus in Christian Churches everywhere. He wore a brown wool
blanket as you would imagine. Robbie was a city person. He was always
talking about being at some happening, a concert, a Be In, a Love In, you
name it, he was there. Robbie was like the rest of us.
He would try most of the stuff around, but not everything. Everyone
knew the dangers of speed and heroin. We were not that way.
Robbie told me that some friend of his was going
to turn him on to some heroin. I told him that this is a big mistake,
that stuff was dangerous. He agreed with me and said, "Tomas, you're
right, but I'm going try it anyway." I said, "It is your life, be
careful."
After the weekend, I met Robbie again and
asked him how it went. He said it was great. I said now you
know how people get strung out. Is that it? (Hoping that his curiosity
was satisfied.)
He said that, " If he was offered it again, he
would do it in a minute".
LETTER
+
When I came out of jail I was told to not go
back to Morningstar. I was told I could go to a camp just down the road.
This really annoyed me as I was brought down to Morningstar to live in
peace and be part of a community. I met Robbie before I got back to Morningstar
and we went off to Berkeley to some friends of his that lived at the girl's
dorm on campus. Nobody was home at the apartment so we just dropped in,
took off all our clothes and sat down and smoked some dope and sat crossed
legged on the floor and listened to their stereo until they got home. It
was a pretty heavy scene our heads were smoked with the sounds of music.
(spaced out is another word you can use). When they did arrive I was surprised
to see two young women. They were surprised to see two young naked wild
looking men sitting stoned and naked on their floor. We smoked some more
and we talked of Morningstar and I invited one of the girls to come up
to the ranch. She said yes and we headed for Morningstar. When we arrived
we were told not to go back to Morningstar, the cops were rounding people
up, they said go to Orr's camp. The camp I ended up at for a day was Orr's
camp. It was not the same; I felt like a refugee given another place to
stay through the kindness of their heart, that is not a commune. The rustic
barn at Orr's, in one section of the barn was a barracks with folding cots
for about forty or fifty people. I spent one night there, I felt like I
was being sent to a place where I could have a place to sleep for the night.
A barracks is not a commune, I did not need a place to stay, I needed a
commune, a family of sharing and understanding. The other section of the
barn was where the implements and tractors were stored. It looked like
a rustic barn that you would imagine seeing in a farm magazine, red
large and rustic. There were two or four cottages near by. Mystery was
in one cottage with his girl friend Annie, my friend and I had dinner
and smoke with Mystery and his friend. There was also a building that was
a kitchen, stainless steel sinks, utensils and very large. Up in the loft
of the barn was were someone had found a cue ball size piece of hash, as
hard as
hickory. We had to shave it with a knife to be
able to smoke it.
If you looked south you would see the apple orchards.
If you looked real close you would see two young men with long flowing
hair, army blankets over their bodies, looking like Disciples of Christ.
Their bending over under the apple trees, standing in vines of white, pink
veined morning Glories. Someone had told Tomas and Robbie that Morning
Glories seeds would give them a high like acid. So they are out there with
four coffee cups, two cups for each young man, separating each flower/trumpets
from the seeds the seeds go into the cups. It is taking a very long time
to pick four cups of Morning Glories seeds. Later on that day you can see
these young men in flowing robes stuffing Morning Glories seeds into their
mouths. Have you ever tried to stuff down feathers in your mouth? You can
imagine what these two young men are going though to get high. Do they
get high, no, they wait and queasy stomachs prolong the day. Nada, nothing.
This young lady and I spent one night in a cot
at Orr's. The next day we moved up to Morningstar Ranch.
Morningstar annex: (Orr's) While reading
Ramon's Home Free Home, I was reminded of Mystery and his very large tool.
This girl from Berkeley and I were visiting Mystery and Annie at one of
the Orr's small cabins where Mystery was staying. As we were smoking
a little dope, I asked Mystery's old lady how she handled such a large
tool. She politely told me that it stretched to fit with no problem.
Tacky, tacky, tacky!!!!
+
March, 1968
The first night back at Morningstar I decided
to sleep in a bed in the lower house. The police in the middle of the night
visited me, as Ramon so nicely puts it in Home Free Home. The next night
I slept under the lower house in the crawl space with the dust and spiders.
The dust was deep as I placed my wool blanket with the Morningstar patch
down to sleep for the night. Not too pleasant a place to crash. "Heh,
can I crash here for the night?" God, I was digging like a mole to
be more comfortable. Ah, paranoia! I now knew what the word
paranoia meant. I was cowering and hiding under a black cloak in
the dark. My Precious, My Precious, Morningstar, as I rubbed my hands
together like Gollum.
I left for New York with Kathy and Ambo
a few days later. They wanted me to leave and I left. I left everyone
behind.
***
Downhill and paranoia:
I spent the next few days at the Morningstar Annex
as I was asked to do, then headed back to Morningstar Ranch proper.
The first night back I was visited by the police, as Ramon so nicely puts
it in Home Free Home. The next night I slept under the lower house
in the crawl space with the dust and spiders. Not too pleasant a
place to crash. "Heh, can I crash here for the night?" God,
I was digging like a mole to be more comfortable. Ah, paranoia!
I now knew what the word paranoia meant. I was cowering and hiding
under a black cloak in the dark. My Precious, My Precious, Morningstar,
as I rubbed my hands together like Gollum. At that time I thought
I was alone in my hiding. Now after thirty years I know I was not
alone.
March, 1968
I was later caught again at Morningstar and set
free. I left for New York with Kathy and Ambo a few days later. They
wanted me to leave and I left. I left everyone behind.
Yes, everyone was moving away like the spokes of
a wheel, the centrifugal force moving you farther and farther apart.
This sometimes makes me so sad, losing such friends. You want to
reach out and touch them just like Adam and God in the Sistine Chapel,
but they are too far apart. Gone forever, living only in my dreams.
5-20-98
I hope they don't say anything about my talking
to my friends when I hear them talking on line.
Bitter? Yeah! But, I have made one apology and I did meet
Laurel.
7-8-98
I've made another apology on paper, now I need to
find her.
1999
She is found, pleasant speech, careful not to offend, love and try
not to control.
Try not to tear the soul, give love and be good.
***
There is an emotion that is contagious, a clean
healthy happy to be around emotion. Joanie carried it at Tolstoy as she
put flowers in your hair and gave you a hug. Ken had that quiet emotion,
busy working in the garden. Kathy had the free to be, smiling emotion that
carried a warm glow and presence of pleasant feelings around her. Kyle
had the quiet emotion of knowing good. Lou had a intelligent wit, humorous
sarcasm that would tickle but not hurt. Ramon would sit in the lotus position
and look at the sun in peace, you could see the radiance of life there.
If you ask these people they would say,
that's not how I felt inside. We were all turbulent inside, wanting to
understand our status as humans, but we carried a contagious amount of
good feelings and warmth wherever we went. The people at the courthouse
were always happy to see us. I did mention that the judge took us
home to dinner. He was quite proud to know us. That was his way of telling
us that we were doing good, no matter what he ruled, he was a Judge
Thanks to Lou
***
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